36
by stupidpenname
Summary: One-on-one scenes between each and every crew member of Serenity. If I get through all of them there will be thirty six in total. Can it be done? Mainly General and Fluff. Chapter Eight: Mal and River.
1. Zoe and Simon

_AN/ Project. I am trying to write one on one scenes between every member of the Serenity. Why? Well there are some characters that just don't get enough screen-time together like Book and Janye, Wash and River, and the subject of this chapter Simon and Zoe. Don't freak, this isn't a paring thing (Book and Janye OTP? Eww...). This is merely strengthening the bonds that lie between these wonderful characters. Full props to Joss and the Firefly squad. I own nothing._

ONE

Zoe had always told her husband she had lost count of the times she had been shot. She'd lied. Zoe knew that that it was the ninth bullet that the Doctor was pulling out of her calf as sure as she knew her own name. Nine. A hard heavy number. She must be getting old. She may have looked in her prime but sometimes Zoe felt like she had the soul of an old woman.

'Pretty clean shot.' called an un-viewable Simon. He was kneeling somewhere beyond Zoe's knees, and was playing around with that gun-shot wound far too much for Zoe's liking. 'Bullet's in one piece. Seems to have only hit muscle tissue. If you wanted to get shot this would be the spot.'

Zoe scoffed. 'The flaw in that logic being I_ didn't_ want to. The shooter just insisted.' Zoe winced as Simon finally pulled the retched thing out. In landed in the dish with a plink. Simon gave a one-sided grin.

'I'm not sure about that. What with all the stunts you and the Captain pull, someone could say you were looking for this kind of trouble.' Despite herself Zoe managed a giggle.

'Back in the war,' she said 'The Captain used to suggest that someone had painted giant targets on our back in invisible ink. And with the amount of scrapes we found ourselves in sometimes found myself wondering if it were true.'

Simon unfurled himself from his position, stiff legged. As Zoe saw him reach to the medical kit on the bench she knew what this meant. Stitches. Zoe had seen men's heads explode, and comrades sliced in half. Lengthways. She had waded through mud that was more red than brown. Yet, even after all these gruesome sights, she could never get a handle on stitches. There was just something unnatural about the way the skin moved as the thread tugged at it. It was one of the few things in life that made her queasy. Simon pulled up a chair next to her leg, needle in hand.

'So are you used to getting shot then? Invisible target and all?'

Zoe tried to keep focus on Simon's face. A boy's face, really. The face of someone far too young to be a life-saver. Then again she was younger still when she was first a life-taker.

'I don't know what would be worse. Wanting to get shot or getting used to it.'

Simon fell quiet for a moment. At first Zoe thought this was concentration, but then she noticed his mouth open and close hesitantly. Finally:

'So why do you do it.?'

Zoe paused to consider. 'Well… Someone has to keep an eye out for the Captain. Be the voice of reason when all the other voices in his head are getting too loud for him.'

Simon's eyebrow raised just for a faction of a fraction of a second. But Zoe had once pieced a man's eye from a cliff-top 300 yards away. She had a sharp eye for that sort of thing. The corners of her mouth turned.

'What was that about? And before you try and blow it off as nothing, know that I have broken man fingers for not giving me directions.' Simon chuckled. Zoe continued to stare. The chuckle drained away as Simon realised he wasn't a hundred percent certain she was joking. He coughed.

'It's just…' Simon licked his nervous lips. 'It's just the Captain… He puts you in danger constantly. You never seem to get paid for any of your suicide missions. You never have any downtime to spend with your husband, he worries about you constantly when you go out on a job and you worry about him worrying. And I've never seen the Captain thank you once, not once, for everything you do!'

Simon realised his voice had grown louder and raised as the sentence neared its end. Zoe's eyebrows had furrowed. He snipped off the last of the thread. 'I'm sorry. I know I'm out of line. You must have your reasons for your loyalty. Old War buddies and such. But… I just don't get it.'

I uneasy silence wrapped around them. Zoe rolled he head to the left.

'How's River?'

Simon's eyebrows knotted. He didn't know whether he was grateful or annoyed by the change of subject. 'She's err… she's not well. I still haven't the faintest idea what they did to her at the Academy.'

'Has she said anything?'

'No. She still won't talk to me and, as much as I hate to admit it, her episodes are getting worse.' Zoe could hear the edge of a tremor in his voice. 'She becomes more and more erratic each day.'

'Probably doesn't help. Being out on the rim, the alliance always on our tail. Must be stressful.'

Simon gave an empty laugh. It certainly says something about your lifestyle when removing bullets is "an easy day."'

Zoe shuffled uncomfortably. 'So this kind of thing didn't happen that often back on Osiris, I'd gather.'

'No. Definitely not. On Osiris it was mainly old rich people with colds wanting to give you fistfuls of cash. If I'd stay there I could have been chief-of-medicine by now.'

'Must have been tough to give up all of that. Career. Money. Security. Family. Everything you've ever known.' Simon nodded. 'Has River ever said "thank you"?'

Simon's mind slowly tumbled into realisation. 'She doesn't need to. She's family.'

Zoe grinned. 'I think you get it just fine.'


	2. Book and Jayne

A/N: _Hey everyone. Just letting you know that these chapters aren't in a vaguely linear series. They'll all over the place. The last was obviously before "Ariel" and this one is after "The Message". None will come after "Serenity: The Movie". Also if you review, feel free to put forward you suggestions for the next duo. Thanks for reading._

_P.S. Yes. it is a Holy Grail reference. Yes I'm pathetic._

TWO

'For the last time, no!'

Shepherd Book stormed into the kitchen in a vain attempt to end the conversation. Jayne followed, almost stepping on Book's heels.

'C'om Preacher! It's yer job ain't it?'

Book snorted 'My job?'

'Yeah!' Jayne counted on his fingers. 'Wash pilots, Kaylee fixes, Inara…'

Book held up his hands. 'I am quite aware what Inara does.' Jayne looked disappointed that he wouldn't have the joy of going into detail.

'… And you're a Shepherd! So do something Shepherdy damn it!'

'"Something Shepherdy," as you so eloquently put it, does not include blessing your semi-automatic.' said Book rolling his eyes in a highly unchristian manner.

Jayne stroked the gun around his neck in an almost romantic fashion. 'Callahan full-bore auto lock with customized trig…'

'I don't care, I'm not doing it.'

'Why not!' cried Jayne 'With all the miracles Vera has pulled off fer me she just begging to be sanctified.'

Book lent his knuckles on the table. 'Really? And would any of these said miracles involve mowing down other human beings in a gratuitous fashion?'

Jayne fiddled with his cunning hat. 'Occasionally.' he mumbled.

Book nodded. 'I see. Good day.' Book made a move towards the door Jayne blocked him off.

'_Please,_ Shepherd!'

'Jayne, on occasion people have said that I have a more liberal take on the bible than some of my brethren.' The Shepherd glanced around the ship, 'And considering the company I keep, I am inclined to agree with them. But I'm afraid I'm somewhat of a traditionalist on certain subjects like, for instance, _not killing people._'

'Aw, be fair Preacher! They're mostly trying to kill me first.' Book silently took note of the word _mostly_. 'And I remember all those bible stories my mother used to tell me when I was young. None of them bible-heroes exactly had lily white hands.'

'That's different.' The shepherd somehow managed to make his voice even lower than usual. Jayne sneered at the Preacher's ruffled feathers.

'Yeah? How so?'

'_They_ were doing it in the Lords name. Fighting oppressors, protecting their nation, taking back what was rightfully theirs. While none of them were perfect men, they were all trying to glorify God. _You're _doing it so you can get paid with ill-gotten gains.' Book crossed his arms 'Hardly makes you a holy warrior now, does it Jayne?'

Jayne slammed his fist on the table. 'I'm not asking yer to make me a _gorram_ holy warrior, am I? I just want yer to work yer mojo on Vera.'

Book tapped his lip. 'Why is that Jayne?' I haven't seen you express an interest in...' Book coughed '"my mojo" before.'

Jayne's eyes narrowed 'So? What of it?'

Book pulled out the nearest chair and actually sat at the table. 'Nothing of it. I'm just curious to know where this burning desire for divine weaponry came from.'

Jayne fidgeted. Book smiled and gestured at the chair next to him. Jayne looked at the door then back at Book. He sighed and sat stiffly next to Book.

'Okay. Fine. But, Preacher or no Preacher, if yer breathe a word of this to anyone, you, me and Vera are going to have a little conversation.'

Book nodded in what he hoped was a serious manner. 'Understood. Just between us three. And the Lord, of course.'

Jayne's eyebrows knotted together. His chair squeaked as he lent closer to Book.

'Look. We've been finding ourselves inna lot of trouble or recent. More trouble than usual with them Tamms on board, and then there was that thing with that dead solider, who wasn't dead, but then ended up dead…'

'I was there Jayne.'

'Oh yeah. Right. course. I mean I'm used to trouble. I've always been in trouble; I've caused a lot of trouble. But in the last few months I've been shot more times than I had before, as well as an assortment of zappings, punchings, and beatings. It's got me a-thinking.' Book tried to keep a straight face at the thought of Jayne thinking. 'I'm only getting older. I'll get slower and slower until some piece of _gossa_ – sorry Preacher – takes me out fer good. Or gets me so mangled that Doctor Prettyboy can't stitch me back together right and Mal dumps my useless ass on some dusty outer-rim moon.'

Jayne scratched at the table with his fingernail. Book wiped his chin. He knew why it was so important for Jayne not to get taken out of the game. 'How's Matty?'

Jayne sniffed, ignoring the question. 'So by my reasoning, I figure its best not to get hit.' He gave a grin and held up Vera. 'And what better way not to get hit that to hit them first?'

Shepherd gave an appeasing nod. 'And you think that having… Vera blessed will help protected you.

Jayne shrugged. 'Honestly, I don't hold much stock in yer little brown book, Preacher. But I figure if there is something out there it couldn't do much harm to ask fer help.'

Book bowed his head a little. Jayne held out Vera in a vaguely pathetic way. Book slowly lean forward and pulled off Jayne's hat.

'Hey! What the he…'

'I bless this knitted headwear in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit,' chanted Book, doing the sign of the cross. 'May the Lord bless the head it sits on and keep it safe from harm. Amen.'

Book passes the hat back to Jayne, who took it gently in both hands. His face was too small for his grin. Suddenly he leapt up off the table and burst through the door, yelling back something about having to write to his mother. The Shepherd clicked his tongue.

'Blessing semi-automatics. What next? A holy hand grenade?


	3. Wash and River

A/N: _It's ALIVE! Yes it's back but be warned. The following is my first attempt at writing River Tam. Yeah. Everyone who has written a Firefly fic knows that fear. I think I may have overdone the crazy, but it was an interesting experiment nonetheless. There is actually an internal logic to most of what she says (at least to me), but I think it's better if you don't know the context. Of course if you have to know, just ask and I won't hesitate to try and explain my insane troll logic. Let's just say if you think it's a reference to something, it probably is. Also, be warned. Disturbing themes and the slightest hint of spoilers for The Big Damn Movie (you should know what happens already). This one isn't particularly funny._

_This goes to KrisEleven. Because she waited a crazystupid amount of time. Good luck in your exams._

THREE

'And this...' said Wash, picking up the figurine with both hands. 'It's a Triceratops.' He passed it to River, who took the dinosaur gingerly. The slender girl was sitting cross-legged on the cock-pit's mesh floor next to the pilot's chair. The cold metal bit into her calves and ankles, imprinting them in pink cross-hatchings. River turned the dinosaur over and ran her thumb down its lumpy belly.

'Triceratops. _Chordata Reptilia Ceratopsidae. _An herbivorous dinosaur from the Late Cretaceous Period. Found geographically in Mya, later known as North America, back on Earth-that-Was. The word "Triceratops" literally translates into "Three Horned Face" in Greek.'

Wash nodded slowly.

'Well... for short I call him "Mr. Pointy."'

River seemed to ignore him, giving the plastic toy a sniff. Wash looked back to the console. He hadn't minded when Simon asked him to keep an eye on River, but he was certainly surprised. The young doctor had gone with Mal, Jayne, Zoe and Inara into town, hoping to exchange his medical expertise for a few supplies. Wash asked him why Kaylee and the Shepherd hadn't been put on make-sure-River-doesn't-shave-her-eyebrows-off duty.

'Actually...' Simon had admitted, 'I already asked Kaylee. She says she needs to work on the, um... Gyrodynamic... Vibrospatial... thing... She needs to work on something engine-y, that's all I can make out. '

Wash remembered laughing. 'What about Book? I'm sure he'd be happy to.'

'I mentioned it to River, but she didn't seem too keen.' said Simon. 'In fact, she screamed something about "the lurking hair" and hid in one of the hull's crawlspaces for almost an hour. I think she'd be happier for now if you kept an eye on her.'

And she did seem happy enough. She was strange, certainly. No one was denying that. Then again, he was a Hawaiian-shirt wearing spaceship pilot, who was married to a warrior woman, collected children's toys and possessed a secret talent for juggling goslings. Who was he to judge?

The time on the console was 16:38. Zoe should have been back by now. Of course, _Serenity's_ clock was always screwy on the outer planets, and of course they were always late back from their missions. Still...

'We're both killer robots you know.'

Wash swivelled his chair back towards River. She didn't look up at him, still staring into the Triceratops' painted yellow eyes.

'We protect humanity from our other selves, reeking of Benedict eggs.'

Wash nodded. It seemed like the things to do.

'Captain, too.' she said. 'Captain was once upon Humpty-Shiny-Dokey, before the trampling of horses and men. Wings on the blast. Wolf on the fold. The panic. The vomit. The panic. The vomit.'

Wash's eyes flickered towards the console. 16:41. Now he wasn't waiting for Zoe as much as Simon. He had seen before when River had flipped from the kind of girl who would stroke a triceratops to the kind of girl who'd use it as a blunt instrument. But River seemed nonchalant as she continued to stare at the toy.

'Hooves aren't very dexterous,' she added before turning Mr. Pointy over and licking his stomach.

'Hey!'

Wash couldn't control his arm as it snatched back his toy, like a child. River just stared at him. She swiftly looked at the hem of her skirt, abashed.

'Sorry Wash. Social constructs dictate that the tasting of other people's possessions is impolite. I... I apologize.'

Wash felt his neck begin to burn. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid.

'No, no.' he said. 'It's okay. I mean... You don't have to be sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry. You talk about being impolite, when I'm the one going around grabbing things. Don't mind me. I'm just worried about Zoe and the others, that's all. The waiting always has me wound up too tight.' When she didn't look up at him, Wash leaned down, holding out Mr. Pointy to River. 'You want him back?' he asked, waving the toy enticingly back and forth. 'I think he likes you.'

River smiled but shook her head. She touched the creature's left horn with her fingertip.

'Mustn't run with sharp objects, mother says. Someone could lose an eye. Or crack a sternum.' River's face became dark and she slowly rose to her feet, inching towards Wash. The girl looked on the edge of tears. 'Burst the left lung, pierce the superior vena cava and shatter almost half the thoracic vertebrae...'

'River?' Wash began to get to his feet. 'What's the matter? What...' Suddenly the girl's hand pushed him back into his chair. She pinned Wash's legs down with her knee and she began to clutch at his shirt.

'Red hair! Red-shirt! Red guts all over the dashboard! I think we should call it your grave!' River was suddenly hysterical as her hands scrabbled over his chest. Wash tried to push her off him, but she grabbed his shoulder and shoved him down.

'Stay still!' she ordered. 'Don't move. Ránér shuí xiǎngdào lǎorén yǒu guò zhème duō tā de xiěyè?'*

Even as Wash struggled to get the girl off him, he noticed that her hands weren't clawing at his shirt like he had thought. They were pressing down. Firmly. Deliberately. Like someone applying pressure to a wound. _What was she seeing?_

'River!' he tried to yell over her panic, while holding down his own. _How come he couldn't shove this skinny girl off him? She was almost half his size, for goodness sake! _'I'm fine, River! I'm fine! I'm okay.'

'Not fine. Not fine at all, Alpha Male! They stuck in you like so many corkscrews! Wash, baby! Baby, come on! You gotta go! Burial leaves April out stroke sound looking brown! Juicy full of shadows!'

_'RIVER_!' Wash burst out. He grabbed the girl's bony shoulders and shook. River's head snapped back and then forward again, her eyes finally settling on him. For a moment she just stared. Wash could tell this time her eyes were really seeing his face. River looked down at Wash's chest again and seemed startled. She pulled her hand away and shrank back against the opposite wall, clutching her forearm, holding her hand away from the rest of her body. She didn't say a word, just gasped over and over like a fish on a bank. Wash just stared back, half-risen from his chair. He didn't know whether to go comfort her or to run. She looked terrified but he really, really, really wanted to run. Wash hesitated before speaking.

'River?' he paused 'You okay? River, look at me.'

She didn't look. She just kept on clutching her forearm.

'Got to go take a shower.' she said at last. 'They'll be back in four minutes, thirteen seconds. Gotta be ready. Gotta get clean.'

'River?' Wash stood, but she had already headed out the door.

He heard her call back faintly, 'Can't change damn spots. Can't change damn spots.'

*Who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?


	4. Mal and Kaylee

Hey everyone. Thankyou to all who have reviewed and hey look. Another post this year!

The thing about this project is that occasionally we are going to have places where characters who DO have plenty of screen-time bump into each other. This chapter is one of those instances and I think it just goes to show why the writers of firefly are geniuses. When it's two characters who don't converse all that often I have a little leeway to be a little OC but when it's say... Mal and Kaylee for instance, there are fewer places for my writing flaws to hide. Then again isn't that what fanfiction is all about? To put writing with familiar characters out there into the internet so people can compare it with the actual fandom and give you advice as how to make your version better?

Oh yes and make perfectly straight characters have gay sex of course.

What I'm trying to say is that the following scene is okay but it isn't Firefly standard. I don't want to be one of those people who go "Oh I know this sucks" just to get sympathy reviews, because those tend to make me want to stab someone in the eye. Constructive criticism, however, is greatly appreciated and guidance is always welcome. I can take it. I'm a big girl.

Also if you have a suggestion for a double act, please feel free to ask about it in your review. Next chapter will feature Inara who is the only character that has been neglected so far, but who will she be paired up against? What hijinks will ensue? Well, my friends, that's up to you.

Anyway on with the show!

* * *

**FOUR**

Kaylee was used to noise.

No, in truth she was more than "used to it". Saying Kaylee was used to noise was like saying fish tolerated water. Noise was her element. Noise was a constant comforting presence that was there to remind her that the 'verse was still moving. When you were off world, with no sun, no moons, no sky line to signal whether it was night or day, it got harder and harder to remember that time even existed. But as long as _Serenity_ hummed, whirred, choked and spluttered, Kaylee could ground herself in something real and present, which kept her mind off the fact she was nothing more than a fleck floating in a billion mile long vacuum. Even when it was the wrong sort of noise it was the right sort of noise, because at least _Serenity_ was still talking to her...

'Kaylee can you stop that contraption from making so much gorram noise for two minutes!' Mal's voice bellowed from the other side of the machine. 'It seems to be hampering those thinking abilities I am so widely renowned for.'

Kaylee tilted her head around the engine to get a clear view of her captain. His back was lent against the wall next to the doorframe, which was useful seeing as he needed something to bang his head against every five minutes.

'I may be wrong here, Captain, but I pretty sure that the constant noise is the reason why engine rooms aren't the place where most folk head for a spell of brain-storming.' Kaylee licked her top lip in concentration. 'Maybe you would prefer to do your thinking somewhere else?'

Mal pinned down his mechanic with a steely glare that he had sharpened to perfection during the Unification Wars.

'This ship is everything to me, Kaylee. It is my home, my transport, my source of income and the only way I can be sure of living semi-free from the Alliance. And seeing as the engine room would be considered the heart of the ship but those who are soft-of-soul and addled-of-brain, wouldn't the logical conclusion be that I do all my scheming here?'

'You've never do ne it before?'

'I thought I might start. Call me sentimental. '

'I would call it cowardly actually.' Kaylee mumbled. Not particularly well, mind because Mal still managed to hear her over the engine.

'I beg your pardon?' said Mal. 'Did we just fly through a black hole into an alternative universe where I am not the handsome man who pays your wages?'

'No. You're still that man in this universe too.' Kaylee didn't drag her eyes from the fuel lines she was priming but Mal could just see from his position her left cheek lift, obviously making room for her smile. Obviously the steely glare was a little rusty. Mal fought to maintain his indignation but Kaylee was so irritatingly difficult to stay indignant at. But Mal was a soldier and as such he soldiered on.

'I am not a coward.' he said. Kaylee plugged in the last cable and began to wipe her hands on her overalls as she walked to Mal's side of the room.

'Course not.' Mal noticed her tone was that forced kind of casual. 'I'm sure that hiding in the engine room to avoid Inara and the latest of her rich and charming clients would be considered the height of manliness on some worlds.'

'I'm not hiding.' Mal's voice was half an octave too high. 'Inara doesn't like it when I go prying into her business affairs for some unfathomable reason and so I'm being chivalrous and giving her some privacy.'

Kaylee almost snorted. 'Privacy? She'll be in her shuttle the whole time. Or did you think she was going to grab him on the cargo-bay floor and just rip...'

'I do not need for you to paint me that wonderful mental picture, Kaywinnit Lee Frye.' said Mal raising his arm as though to block her words. 'Besides that's not the problem... Or at least until a few seconds ago it wasn't.'

'Really.' Kaylee sounded genuinely surprised. 'Then what is.'

'I don't know.' Mal scratched the corner of his mouth with his thumb nail. 'I was trying to figure out a plan about how we'd go about this bank heist. Everyone was off doing their own thing. It was just too quiet out there or something.'

'So it was too quiet out there, too loud in here? Have you tried you're thinking in the Three Bears' house, Captain?'

Mal lifted his chin. 'Boy, aren't we just full of opinions today.' Kaylee looked unperturbed. The Captain lent his head against the wall.

'Never used to have this problem Kaylee.' Even though he said her name he sounded like he was talking for his own benefit. 'During in the war it was decisions and plans and choices all the time. Half of them were complete _gossa_ of course but at least I wasn't sitting around waiting for the alliance to do something. As soon as we were done with one plan we were on the move to the next. It was all noise then all the time and I never had to "mull things over" as it were. I'd hate to think this whole brain stagnation phase was to become a regular occurrence.'

Kaylee didn't know what to do with her hands for a moment. She knelt down near Mal. 'Well, maybe you're just looking at this from the wrong angle, Captain.'

'How you figure?'

The mechanic shrugged. 'Maybe it wasn't the noise or the action that made you think. Maybe it was something else?'

'Such as?'

'I dunno I wasn't there. How did go about scheming back then.'

'I didn't.' Mal gave a half-chuckle 'I just barked orders at people and they did as they were told. Have I ever told you how much I miss those days?' He gave Kaylee a pointed look.

'What happened if your plans were awful?'

'Why would you just assume they would be awful? Do you really have so little faith in my plans, Kaylee?' There was a pause as Kaylee didn't reply. Mal sighed. 'If you must know occasionally –very very rarely when you look at the whole scheme of things – if I made a bad order, Zoe would tell me I was a moron and I'd take that advice into consideration and come up with something else.'

'So it wasn't the noise that had any effect on your thinking. It was the barking.

'What?'

'Well think about it.' Kaylee straighten herself. 'The only difference between then and now is that you're trying to keep all your working out inside your head, when before you had to talk it out with someone else. Your brain only works when it's going through your mouth, is all. '

Mal's brain began to tick over properly for the first time this week.

'That makes sense. That makes a whole lot of sense. So what you reckon I need is a co-conspirator, or some description.'

'Yep.'

'Someone who I can bounce off.'

'A huh.'

'Someone who can help me run through things and knows my process.'

'You're calling it your process now?'

Mal got on his feet and straightened his back, looking at the young woman who stood before him.

'Kaylee, can I ask you something.'

Kaylee pulled back her shoulders. 'Yes Captain?'

He paused slightly embarrassed. 'Would you know where Zoe is?'


	5. Inara and Wash

A/N: This one goes out to Marshpelt and RionaEire who gave great critical reviews for my last one. This is pre-series but you probably should see "Out Of Gas" before reading this one if you don't want minor spoilers. While I think that Inara is a very talented and educated lady I doubt that they thaught her how to fly a shuttle in, as Mal would put it "Whore School." Thus it would probably fall on one of the crew to give her instructions and who better than Wash. Well... at least that's what you'd think.

* * *

INARA AND WASH

The Buddha once said "He is able who thinks he is able." If this theory was correct Inara should have been able to pilot her new shuttle on the first go without crashing it into the surface of a secluded little moon.

That's the trouble with theories. They are logical in retrospect but they rarely pan out in real life. For instance Wash had an unconscious theory that Inara was incapable of swearing, just like how the blind are physically unable to see. She was profanity impaired. However as the companion let forth a cascade of curses in English, Chinese and a few other languages Wash didn't recognise, he had to agree that theory totally and completely wrong. Inara's swearing was fluid, passionate and almost lyrical. Wash was, for lack of a better term, in awe.

As Inara's swearing drew to a crescendo and then to a close she finished it with 'The Captain is going to kill me for this isn't he?'

Wash thought for a moment. "Yes. Yes he is."

Inara thumped her fist against the control panel, pulling off such an action with a surprising amount of elegance.

'Hoban...' she began but Wash cringed.

'Wash, please. Call me Wash,' he pleaded. Inara started again.

'Wash, I want you to know that, while you seem like a nice guy, you are a dreadful teacher.'

'What? I said pull up!'

'I thought you meant on that lever!'

'Oh you mean the one that says "DO NOT TOUCH! EMERGENCIES ONLY"?'

'Well forgive me but hurtling towards the ground at a thousand miles an hour seemed like an emergency.'

'It wouldn't have been an emergency if you had pulled up!'

The two of them glared at each other. They hadn't known each other long but Wash had never seen Inara as anything less than serine (unless she was talking to the captain). Like-wise Inara had only ever experienced Wash's laid back and cheerful side. On the other side of the wind-screen steam was beginning to furl from one of the pod's engines.

'What do you'll think he'll do?' she asked looking down at the dashboard. When she had rented the shuttle from Mal a little over a week ago he seemed so very proud, very defensive of her. And now she had gone and destroyed part of it.

Wash shrugged. 'How should I know? I've only worked for the man for three months.'

'_I _only met him a week ago. Only a week and I've already crashed his shuttle.' Inara let her head fall into her open hands. 'He's going to throw me off the ship, isn't he? He's going to hand me back my safety deposit and throw me off the ship.

'Actually,' said Wash's brain before his mouth could stop it, 'the deposit was meant to cover any damages so...'

Inara groaned. Wash hesitated before giving her shoulder an awkward pat.

'It's okay.' he said in what he hoped was a soothing voice. 'I was the one teaching you how to fly the thing, remember? If anyone is going to be left job-less and penniless on an outer-rim planet it's going to be me. You're a compainion. That's why the captain chose you, right? To open doors for him? You're like... you're like the ships' ambassador.'

Inara couldn't help but laugh. 'And here I thought I had heard every euphemism for my profession. You're wrong of course. A companion may be handy to have aboard ones' ship but I'm inclined to think a pilot is less dispensable.'

'Not one who can't teach someone to pilot a basic shuttle.' Wash sniffed. 'Plus Zoe, the captain's first mate has it in for me. I have no idea why.'

'She's attracted to you.' Inara's voice was so dead-pan Wash did a double take.

'What? No she isn't.'

'Believe me, I can tell. She's probably a little disquieted about it after being a solider for so long; wanting to distance herself from any personal attachments after losing so many of her comrades. It's a self preservation tool.' Her voice was clinical as though she reading from a psychology journal. Her manner put Wash off, but in a strange way made him want to ask more questions.

'You think so?'

'I do.' Inara said with a slight smile. 'Or she dislikes your moustache. Either one.'. Wash's hand reflexively reached up to touch it.

There was a burst of static from the radio and then a scratchy version for Mal's voice.

_Wash? You there? Zoe and I were finishing up business on Ishtar when we heard that here have been a whole lot of scavenger skirmishes in your area. You need to get back to the ship now!_

Wash gave Inara a quick glance before picking up the receiver.

'Actually Captain...' he said slowly 'I think your warning came a bit late...'


	6. Jayne and River

_My poor readers. Holding out hope that this will be finished. I have received a few private messages (Hi KrisEleven. Hi Marshpelt) and now I have been compelled this thing that has been weighing me down for all these weeks. Wait a second? My last chapter was in 2010? What? I've been writing this (or to be more accurate NOT writing this) for years._

_Oh to hell with this! If I have finished NaNoWriMo there is no excuse for this to linger above my head with the dreaded WIP label!_

_New resolution. I will not be writing 36 in 2011 for one reason. IT WILL BE FINISHED! After all _Duke Nukem Forever_ took over a decade to complete and that was an amazing game, right._

_Right?_

_Get your cunning hats on Ladies and Gents, if you are still with me (and I don't blame you if you aren't). This landing's going to get pretty interesting; particularly since I'm starting off with Jayne and River in a post-Trash scene. (Don't worry Kris. Your Mal and River story is on its way.)_

Six

Simon hadn't re-entered the surgery, and Jayne was never more thankful for anything in his entire life. As soon as the pins and needles began to scuttle up his arms and legs, signalling that feeling had finally returned to his body, Jayne moved to heave himself from himself off the stretcher and shuffle back to his bunk. That way, him and Doctor Pansy could forget about this whole betrayal misunderstanding and go back to what they did best - glowering and hating each others gizzards in silence.

Jayne knew what would happen between him and Simon. Not too sure about what was going to happen between him and the psychotic sister. He didn't like her. Jayne didn't like anyone really, but there was something about the bare footed lunatic that grated against his skinn. And it wasn't Mal's unwillingness to turn them over to the alliance for the fact she was like having a target on your back that attached heat seeking missiles.

In fact this annoying, gnawing feeling had been lingering since Ariel.

Jayne Cobb wasn't one for philosophy. He wasn't one to ask the grand questions about life, the universe and everything. He saw little point in staring at stars and navels when there was real work to be done.

But there was one question that he really needed an answer to. One niggling loose thread that no matter how hard Jayne tugged he couldn't unravel. How had the girl known what he was going to do. There was only one person who could unravel it.

And there was no way in the 'verse he was going to ask her.

As it so happens, trying to dismount from a medical stretcher after having your veins pumped full of immobilizing drugs is harder than in may originally seem. Jayne was no sooner off the stretcher, than he was on the floor staring at a pair of tiny feet.

'Need a hand?'

Jayne looked up at River and tried to roll to his side. 'No.'

'I wasn't going to physically offer you a severed hand.' River said as she watched the huge bulk of a mercenary, try and pull himself up. 'It's an expression. A turn of phrase. It means "to offer assistance to person or persons in need of aid."'

'I know what it means!' grunted Jayne, dragging himself up to his feet using the stretcher as a brace. 'What kind of idiot do yer take me for?'

There was not a hint of amusement on River's face as she replied 'The kind that tries to move of their own volition after being heavily sedated.' River took a step towards Jayne. He backed away. River's eyebrows furrowed.

'You're scared of me.' Jayne didn't know if this was meant to be a statement or a question. If he had any pride left he would have denied that accusation. However he was currently leaning on a stretcher after being zapped by a trash droid, threatened by Doctor Blue-Eyes, a losing control of his body. He had already lost a life-time's worth of pride in one day.

'Too right I'm scared of you, yer little freak.' said the burly gunfighter to the slender bird-like girl. 'Yer crazier than a ferret in a turbine. How do I know yer ain't gonna snap all of a sudden and cut up on me. Again.'

River gave a giggle. 'Don't be silly. That was because of what happened on Osiris. All water under the bridge now sailing to the ocean to be eaten by a decomposing whale.'

Jayne let the whale bit slide. 'No you didn't you lying… liar.' He said. 'Yer stabbed me _before_ we went to Osiris. In fact that's when I when I knew I had better get you and yer brother the hell off this ship.'

'Yes,' River sounded like she was trying to explain a story to a child, 'and because you were going to sell us out I tried to stop you before hand.'

Jayne looked down at the tiny woman. 'But that doesn't make a lick of _gorram_ sense! I wouldn't have contacted the alliance –not right then anyways- if yer hadn't sliced me open, yer little freak.'

River gave an exasperated sigh ''I'm not a freak. Light refracts into my interface at a different index to yours. And I would have attacked you if you weren't going to sell us out. Here we are.'

Jayne looked around in a stunned haze. Somehow during this conversation River had managed to wedge herself under his arm and walk him all the way from the infirmary, through the cargo bay and up into the hallway that lead to his room. She carefully dislodged herself and propped Jayne up against the wall. River looked him up and down with her hands on her hips before pointing at him with a commanding finger.

'No rich foods. No swimming for two hours. No heavy machinery. Yer shirt is inside out.'

And with a merry smile River skipped down the hall. Jayne tried to turn their little chat over and over in slow giant cogs of his brain before calling after her.

'When yer said you could kill me with yer brain, was this what yer meant?'


	7. Zoe and Book

_A/N: Yes I am falling behind on this whole done-in-December promise but they are coming along. Here is the next one. Warning to the ultra sensitive: this one covers this one covers the topic of religion. It's no deeper than in the show, so I don't think anyone will get too offended, but be warned than talk of belief lies ahead. Also note that these aren't my personal beliefs. I'm a Christian personally but I am not writing from my personal point of view. This is written in character. This is my interpretation of Book and Zoe and what they believe. Please don't stone me._

SEVEN

Zoe sipped her hot coffee-ish drink, while Shepherd Book continued their conversation. She couldn't hold the captain responsible for getting her into this situation. Normally Zoe was able to blame Mal for any stupid scrape she got herself into, but this one she managed just on her lonesome.

Getting into a religious debate with a preacher? Why not bet Inara that's she's bedded more men?

Not that Book was making things uncomfortable deliberately. He was just talking religion. That was uncomfortable by nature.

'So you take the Captain's view then?' He asked. Zoe shook her head.

'No, I do not take the Captian's view. The Captian's view is his and his alone. He wouldn't be the Captain without it. I, on the other hand, am a grown woman who has the ability to form her own opinions on life the universe and everything, thank you very much.' He voice was full of offence but none of it was serious. Book smiled.

'Is that so?'

'Yes.'

'And your beliefs are?'

'Exactly the same as the Captain's.'

'Ah.'

'But I came about them in my own way.'

'Really. How was that?'

Zoe looked across the kitchen table at the older man. It was lucky they were deep in space. No one got struck by lighting in deep space, for blasphemy. 'Look Shepherd. I don't mean to cause offence. I've read parts of your little black book and it's nice. It has some nice ideas. A lot of smiting, but some nice ideas too.'

'I'm more of a New Testament man myself. That section's smite-lite.'

Zoe laughed but then sighed. 'The fact is this; when you're out in the middle of a skirmish, getting down on your knees and praying to an all knowing, invisible man… It just doesn't seem practical.'

Book tilted his eyebrows. 'Practical?'

'Yes sir.'

'So,' said the preacher interlocking his fingers and looking at her from the corner of his eye, 'you only believe in what is practical?'

'That isn't so bad is it?' asked Zoe, though it was more like a subtle challenge rather than a genuine inquiry about his opinion. 'There might be a God. There might not. There might be aliens. There might not. There might be a giant centient birthday cake in the centre of the universe. There might not.'

'We can only hope.' said Book in a mock grave tone. Zoe went on.

'But at the end of the day those sorts of questions don't matter. At least not to me. The ones that do are "Where is my next meal coming from" and "how do we get out of this without dying".'

'But it's the impractical things that make us more than just animals.' Book lent forward. 'You may not agree in terms of philosophy, but there are other impractical things. For instance Oscar Wilde once said "All art is quite useless."'

Zoe lent back a bit. 'Is a preacher allowed to quote Oscar Wilde?'

'I see no harm in it. I appreciate wit. Even though it's as useless as art, music, beauty…'

'Sunsets and rainbows?' Zoe asked with a skeptical smile. 'Don't think I can't see why you're trying to pull. These are all very nice, Preacher and I don't begrudge any folk who enjoys such things. As for me, I make it a point of sticking to the things that are essential for keeping me alive.'

This friendly debate would have, no doubt, continued if it wasn't interrupted when Wash stumbled into the kitchen, clutching one boot. He placed it on the table.

'Honey, have you seen my other shoe? The one that looks like this? Only more… left.'

Zoe looked at him from beneath her eyebrows. 'Have you tried the shoebox?'

Wash paused. 'Ah! Of course. How fiendishly clever. Thanks honey.'

As her husband walked away, the look on the Shepherd's face caught her eye.

'Only the practical things, eh?' said Book. Were preachers allowed to be so smug? Because Zoe thought that she recalled part of the Bible that explicitly said 'Though shalt not be smug.' Zoe crossed her arms on the table.

'That's not the same thing.'

'_These three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love._ - 1 Corinthians 13:13.'

Zoe was going to come back with a suitably witty retort when an echo sounded from the hallway. 'Zoe!' yelled Wash. 'I've found one shoe but now I've lost the other.'

In perfect synchronisation both Zoe and Book's eyes fell on the boot that was situated directly between them on the table. Just where Wash had left it. Zoe looked up at the preacher, who was not saying a word as loudly as a man could.

'Oh shush, you.' said Zoe as she picked up the boot and headed off down the hall corridor towards her own personal impracticality. The Shepherd's quiet chuckles rang after her.


	8. River and Mal

**AN: Isn't it amazing what insomnia can do?** **If this doesn't make any sense I blame it on the fact I literally didn't get a second of sleep last night. Fun times.** **Anyway, this is for Kris who has been waiting for this for a hell of a long time and wanted something sad. I hope it's just not too out there.**

* * *

EIGHT

'I killed your friends.'

Mal looked up. He had been sitting in the cock-pit, reading a paper-back novel with a spine so bent, that the fact it still held together defied the laws of physics. It was night. Well, everyone else was asleep anyway. Off-world that was the closest it got to night. The ship was on auto-pilot and perfectly safe – as safe as _Serenity_ got anyway – but Mal still enjoyed sitting in his cock-pit and making sure everything was ticking over smoothly. Call him sentimental. Call him soft. Call him paranoid.

'What?'

River stood before him, in a summer dress that came down to her knees. Was she just trying to look impossibly innocent, now? You couldn't trust people who looked too innocent. They were always the ones that would end up cutting your throat.

'I killed your friends. I'm sorry. I didn't want them to die.'

The words River was saying suddenly made bright, violent sense. Mal leapt up. His head was screeching. He had known that River was unstable when he let her and Simon stay aboard. He had known the alliance had cut into her brain so many times that she was the homicidal kind of kooky. He had known. And he had let her stay.

Damn it, _he had let her stay!_

He ran to the life support screen and grabbed the edge, tilting it towards him so he could read.

All systems normal.

All the crew's readings were present and accounted for. Every single one of the stats correlated with that of a normal sleeping person. Well, except for Walsh and Zoe's. Their stats correlated with the stats of people in the middle of intense physical activity. You see? This was the reason Mal avoided the life support stats. There were some things a Captain didn't need to know.

Mal turned back to River. Her expression hadn't changed.

'What the hell is wrong with you?' Mal bellowed before he could stop himself.

'The alliance stripped my Amygdala...'

'Yeah I got the medical clap-trap from your brother after the little spat we had on Ariel, however I was specifically referring to your confession of mass-slaughter thirty seconds ago.' The rational part of his brain was telling him that looming over a 70 pound girl wasn't on, no matter the context, but said rational part was being drowned out by all the other parts that were still pumped full of terror adrenalin. 'Why would you go about saying you killed my crew...'

'I didn't mean your crew.' said River. 'I meant the others.'

'What others?'

'Bendis. Smith. Rollins. Morse. Elba. Butler. Vitelli…'

Mal took a step back and watched as River listed off name after name in a creepy monotone. Names in all rights she shouldn't even know. These were the names of independence that he had fought with during the Unification war.

It was the list of the dead.

'Whoa, whoa, stop it, cut it out.' said Mal stemming the stream of names that were bursting from River. Weren't the drugs the Doc had got off Ariel meant to be putting a halt to the girl's crazy? River wrapped her arms around her waist and looked up at him like a child waiting for a well deserved punishment.

'I said something I wasn't meant to.' she said slowly.

'Damn right, you did.' said Mal, although he wasn't sure whether he was referring to how she had made him think she had killed all of Serenity, or whether it was by pulling a list of dead comrades out of thin air. 'Where did you hear those names? Was Zoe talking about them?' This didn't seem likely. Zoe was less likely to talk about their army days than he was, and if she did, it would be to him.

'No. They float around you. Will-o'-the-wisps and sobs. They're all through _Serenity_ staining the hull. They were lost but then you built them a home in your ship. They're traffic-lights on fire.'

Mal looked around the corner of the cockpit. 'Well that is an interesting interpretation of events. Simon! What do you say we find that brother of yours and you can tell him all your clever little notions?_ Simon! N__ǐ__ zài n__ǎ__l__ǐ__, nín __Hùndàn?_ (i)

Mal looked back at River only to find her head ducked behind her long hair.

Was she crying?

Oh _gossa. _She was crying.

Why the hell was she doing that? He was the one who was told in the middle of the night that everyone had been massacred. He was the one that should be crying. There was no way in the 'verse he was going to but it was more his right over hers, and he resented that she took the liberty.

'Whoa there, er, girly.' said the Captain lifting his hands. He moved to pat her head or stroke her shoulder or something, but he couldn't bring himself to touch the sobbing girl. Mal wasn't built for comforting. He had tried it once and he wasn't good at it at all. The comfortee had ended up shooting himself. I he didn't think the Doc would appreciate that outcome, in this particular circumstance. Mal ended up just letting his hands hover near her as though that was the same as physically touching her. 'No need to cry. Everyone's fine. You didn't kill anyone. It was a bad dream or something.'

'They all died here. Because of me. They'll never leave the valley of the shadow. Never leave _Serenity.'_

Mal crossed his arms. 'You're talking about the people you listed. Just so we're clear. You haven't gone and stabbed anyone on my ship, or nothing.'

'No. Not since Jayne.'

'Good.' Mall stopped. 'Well not the stabbing Jayne part but… You didn't kill anyone then. I'm not sure how your brain got so muddled but you never knew anyone from my old company. There's Zoe and a few others, but the people you listed were all deep in the ground years before you got on this boat. You didn't kill anyone.'

'They died because of me.'

'No they didn't.'

'Yes they did!' River yelled. 'Like a patient etherized upon a table it's impossible to say exactly what I mean!' Mal backed away.

'Okay. Fine. You obviously need to get this off your chest and you're going to stand there crying and making me feel awkward until you get it out.' He sat down on the cock-pit's chair and crossed his arms. 'Proceed. Only with a little less crazy, if that be at all possible.'

River looked around the cockpit as though the words she needed were written on the walls. She twisted strains of her hair between her fingers and tried to articulate herself again.

'They tried to stop the invasion.' River tapped her head. 'You desultory Brigade. They stood against the black celestial landscape. Made urgent backtalk. Thundered against their synthetic liquid, mind-twisting and bruised ceremony. It was all invisible and toxic but it was on the verge of engulfing. You knew it. You and your stubborn flames. Your comrades chose your wicked army, flung comfort far and were reward by colouring future joy mislaid behind dry drowned winter earth.'

Mal leaned back, his mouth slightly opened and his eyebrows furrowed. The girl continued.

'Normally society dictates that they would receive glory and relief hence. Not here. These burned-men wrought by wild desire had tried to stop neutrality and pattern. There names must be lost and spat out. And because they are gone the girl can be subject to sheer battery beneath the stony, forgetful, marble ceiling. Unstoppered. Broken. Possession.' River looked at Mal from beneath her hair. 'But your men tried. I know. And I'm sorry they died for me.'

Mal blinked a couple of times and then lent turned to the cockpit.

'I have no idea what you just said, little girl. How about you run off and find that brother of yours.'

River nodded and walked to the doorway that led to the hall. But not before looking over her shoulder and saying, 'Liar.'

* * *

Footnotes.

i Where are you, you asshole.


End file.
